knee pain

today’s sched was filled up – with errands.

my son’s having their semestral break but he still wanted to prepare breakfast with me. we made spam and egg and fried rice. oh, and peperoni on the side as well.

went to work#1 and because there’s no appointment, i stayed some 30min at the cafe before heading to work#2. slow day at work. dropped by at the bakeshop to order birthday cake for my mother then a trip to the grocery for our supply.

and my my knees hurt right now.

Single parenthood

We are watching a K-drama with a scene wherein a single father tells his experience raising a child alone.

I told my son, that usually children of single parents tends to be more independent. He seems to agree… errr… understand what I meant, I guess.

I then asked, usually as well, the child looks for a boyfriend or girlfriend for their parent. Will he? He said, “No. Just 1 parent is enough. If there’s 2, there will be more chaos!”

We live with the grandparents and this is how he sees it. I tell him now it isn’t always like that. It’s just so sad no matter how I try to show him the love I think one deserves, he can already understand how relationships can be chaotic.

Milo Everyday!

Our relationship isn’t perfect. How could it be when he has a crazy woman as a mother? Kidding aside, I feel fortunate that he has a forgiving heart and although I know he is holding on to his childhood, he has a sense of responsibility not just for himself but also for the people around him. These, despite me transforming into a monster when I get angry (another story for this)

He was asking me last night if I want to bring food to work and that he’ll prepare it for me. He would do this with help from our Ate but imagine him waking up earlier than his mother (how responsible of the mother). He doesn’t need to wake up really early actually because his online class starts late but he said he wants to have more time in the morning to do his “personal stuff”.

So this is the story of this baon.

I give up

It’s been days that I find it hard to go to sleep. I want to be with someone.

I remember the days when I could just go out of my apartment and do long walks along the bay. I’ve done it with some friends but most of the time, it’s just me. Who would want to spend her time alone? I thought I did. But I come to realize I only feel that there’s no one I can share my feelings with. If I spend time with somebody, I’ll only end up pleasing my friend by having fun with her which will tire me in the end.

I give up on resisting to talk to myself because I am slowly getting eaten alive. I am too old to be lonely. I am too busy to be lonely. I am too blessed to want more. I could do other purposeful things than spend my time here. But. I. am. lonely.

Just thinking of how I am consumed by endless scrolling makes me want to vomit. I don’t want to read either. Is blogging any better than that?

I play the piano more, because it’s all fingers and feelings. I don’t have to think other than trying to figure out the composition and the music. Once I get it all figured out, I can dance. I can sing. I can cry. – Surprisingly, they like it. “Your music is sad”, they say. I say words of thanks, “Part of the drama.” Ironic isn’t it?

I was never an entertainer. I never fail to inform people about that. I am a selfish person. I play only for myself. Playing for other people consumes me.

35, I feel this age is the beginning of the end. I don’t intend of bearing anymore children. By this age I said I’ll give up on “love”. Companionship perhaps, but if there’s even a little risk that sooner or later I’ll still be left alone, then I better not get into any relationship at all. I’m good, I hope.

See? My mind is so noisy. A not so wise man once shared with me that these consuming thoughts may not be helpful at all. But when you think about it – who’d listening to these random musings? Wala naman talaga diba? So just dump it here.

Goodnight.

Extreme Independence

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.

From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.

From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart.

From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave.

From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.

From all the lies and all the betrayals.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.

You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball… because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right?

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you. #generationaltrauma #ancestraltrauma

Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.

So, you don’t trust anyone.

And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.

To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable.

“Never again,” you vow.

But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either.

Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming.

It’s a trauma response.

The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.

You are worthy of having support.
You are worthy of having true partnership.
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of having your heart held.
You are worthy to be adored.
You are worthy to be cherished.

You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.” And actually deliver on that promise.

You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy to receive.

You are worthy.

You don’t have to earn it.
You don’t have to prove it.
You don’t have to bargain for it.
You don’t have to beg for it.

You are worthy.
Worthy.
Simply because you exist.

🖤

*Credit:

From the Facebook post of @sheisnotyourrehab Original post by Jamila White. (FB: @inspiredjamila, IG: @inspired.jamila)

Anger

I fear myself again. I easily get angry. I raise my voice. I start to talk without allowing any interruptions. I have to make sure my thoughts get into you. I have to make sure you feel my wrath. And it will be all your fault.

I am terrible handling anger and it happens frequently lately. I try to suppress it but it lasts only until you answer back.

I want to be sorry but I can’t because as much as I try to be calm, I still fail eventually. I want to walk away but walking away might do more harm to you for you might see it as a threat. I will not threaten to leave you because one day it will be real. Walking away temporarily is not an option when death can come for you anytime soon

To my little guy, I am sorry. Please please don’t be like me. And like I always say, I am trying to give you a life different from mine when I was younger. I am far from perfect, I fail to be good just like now but know that all I want is for you to able to make it on your own.

About September

What is about September that overwhelms me? Or is just because I am growing old and getting tired of all these things going on around me?

I want to talk about the things going on in my mind. It’s more of spilling them out, rather, because most of the things I end up writing doesn’t make much sense. Sometimes I think I involuntarily run away from my thoughts – the negative ones specially – by rationalizing, making excuses or deviating to other topics. So yeah, spilled cup still is appropriate for me even after more than a decade after I attempted to “grow up” (aka understanding myself through journaling).

I want to let go of social media because I just use it to take a glimpse of other peoples’ lives that won’t really make a difference in mine. It eats up my time aimlessly. It’s like a world surrounded by people all busy, focused only with themselves, but wants to have an audience while they do it. They continue their act without realizing everyone is busy looking at themselves the whole time to even notice them.

Oh wait, this is no different from that. Except I don’t have an actual expected audience here and I don’t have to be conscious of looking good and acting smart and appearing composed and that my life is perfectly under control. I don’t even have to think much of my grammar and sentence construction. But yes, I do want attention but only from someone who’ll want to understand me. I do want to have that someone around. I am talking to this empty space right now because of the obvious reason that I am alone and because these concerns – these are internal issues not sufficient for me to call for help.

I have to admit, social media for me seems to act as a hook that connects a thin, fragile, invisible thread between me and my friends. Social media is my gateway to relevant information and updates but I am not maximizing it either because – “add to cart” is starting to corrupt me as well. Will I be able to survive with just my messenger and filtering my feed to purely work relevant posts?